Ok, today I would like you to ponder
this quote from Esther Perel, the famous psychologist and relationship expert (I've added five words in bold to the quote):
The quality of your relationships, at home and at work, determines the quality of your life.
Shitty relationships at work? You're more likely to go home in a shitty mood.
Shitty relationships at home? You're more likely to go to work in a shitty mood.
Not just that, but stress and strain of shitty relationships in one place may impact the quality of your relationships in the other place (picture going home and bitching about someone at work to your loved one), which can create a slow downward spiral in your mental health over time, and in the mental health of other people in your orbit.
Just yesterday I had a conversation with a physician who had been struggling with his relationship with his long-time girlfriend, and it caused so much stress and misery that he wound up in trouble at work for the way he was "communicating" with some of his colleagues. I have seen this pattern play out so many times in people I work with and my own life.
It can be a slow, pernicious spiral down that isn't recognized until something gives, as with the physician above.
So that alone is a big reason to put the same focus on the quality of your relationships as we do our careers. But there is another big reason: good relationships are the foundation of everyday leadership, at home, and at work, whether you are "in charge" or not.
Why? Because at the core of great leadership is getting people to CARE, to really care, about you, about their jobs, and about the mission.
When people care about you they don't want to disappoint you, which leads to accountability with less oversight.
When people care about you and their jobs, they are more engaged and creative and get much more done.
When people care about you, their jobs, and the mission, you have a family of human beings where the magic of collaboration and collective intelligence can change the world.
We surgeons (humans) are machines of self-sufficiency, reinforced day after day by our American culture of rugged individuality. But like all good things, it's good until it's not. The false dichotomy of rugged individualism vs collaboration and connectedness is a false one: like all dichotomies, it is a matter of wisdom to know when to toggle between self-sufficiency and leaning on our relationships for support and guidance.
The Redwood tree is a perfect metaphor. They appear to be independent massive trees, and you might think that the roots of each one go deep into the soil to hold them up. They don't.
The roots of Redwood trees have shallow roots that grow only 10 to 13 feet down but then spread horizontally for 60 to 80 feet, intertwining with the roots of the other redwoods for stability. Their interconnected roots give the trees the strength to withstand powerful winds and floods, which gives them the support they need to grow to be over 300 feet tall and live for thousands of years.
We need to be more like the Redwood trees. Individually strong and capable, but connected to each other through the power of our relationships with others to provide the support we all need to help us weather the storms of life, and to help us grow to the heights we are all capable of.
