So, my kid's feedback on
the "abusive boyfriend who you absolutely adore but can never be sure won't slap you" comment is recapped below:
Mike: The slap sentence is perfect - you were essentially unapproachable.
Max: I couldn’t tell you anything - all I would hear is buck up, move past it, this is nothing.
Rachel: I hate to say this, but yes - you were rigid, unapproachable, closed-minded; you lacked empathy, and you had a narrow definition of how life should be lived, and perfection was the only option.
Maya: Yeah, that was your dictator phase.
Sam (the introvert): Yep.
Not good!
In the song Anthem by Leonard Cohen, there is a line that says: There is a crack, a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in.
Meaning that there are moments or events that shift or challenge one's beliefs or perspective on something so profoundly that you are faced with a decision: ignore the light at your peril (like I did the first time I read the abusive boyfriend comment), or accept reality and open the door more to let more light in.
It reminded me, somewhat (actually seriously) irritatingly, of my third day in rehab when my counselor - who was sitting slouched down on a couch in his office with me in a chair opposite him - said: "Acceptance will set you free."
Which does not mean accept the deal and roll over, give up, and feel like shit. Nor does it mean accept and say who cares, like I did before (sort of). Instead, accept the reality of their perspective on me, accept that I had this huge blind spot, and then decide to do something about it.
I had no idea at the time, but it's the notion of Extreme Ownership from Navy Seal Jocko Willink in play - admit your mistakes, take ownership, and fix them.
The problem is that I had no idea how to fix it!
But over time, just like learning the steps of an operation, I figured it out, with a lot of reading, practice, and trial and error.
The first thing I did was to train myself to keep my mouth shut with muscular patience when one of the kids or Lea was talking to me.
This was very hard to do in the beginning. Being someone who always knew what was best for everyone, it was like playing whack-a-mole, trying to keep all of my judgments, opinions, and advice in the mental hole that they popped out of on their own.
But over time, I started to gain some traction, and thanks to the profound help from Sam Harris and the Waking Up meditation app, my skill at breaking out of my trance of me and all of my judgments, opinions, and advice had markedly improved.
I eventually moved from having to resist the pull of my judgments, opinions, and advice actively to just noting the stuff bubbling up, and letting them drift on by.
I need to emphasize that this took time and practice. In a sense, I had to unwind from years of being a surgeon and the fix-everything habit that is burned into us as part of the culture of being a surgeon. Every day we surgeons are solving problems, small ones, big ones, and everything in between.
Couple my fix-everything habit with my past - all the turmoil and challenges of my teen years and grinding my way out of hell - with my personality traits - extraversion 99%, nurturing 86%, and determined 87% - and you have the perfect set of ingredients to bake up the abusive boyfriend "situation."
Here's the thing: each of us has our own basket of ingredients (your personality traits, how and where you grew up, and your surgical mindset) that have been baked up in the oven of your mind to produce your perspectives, beliefs, and attitudes about people and things that can lead to "situations" or blind spots. We all have them.
My reticence (keeping my mouth shut) in subsequent conversations started what is called a Vulnerability Loop. Before I explain what a vulnerability Loop is, you must accept this fact: vulnerability is the spark that ignites trust. In other words, vulnerability doesn't come after trust; vulnerability precedes trust.
Recall Rachel's feedback: "You were rigid, unapproachable, closed-minded; you lacked empathy, and you had a narrow definition of how life should be lived, and perfection was the only option."
Clearly, they did not feel safe coming to me with their problems or things they wanted to talk about. So, since the first step was to build psychological safety with my children, I had to initiate a Vulnerability Loop by keeping my oral gate closed, despite the advice and I know what you need to do monsters pounding on the inside of my lips and begging me to let them out.
So I decided to treat every interaction with my kids and Lea as the most important thing at that moment by doing my best to keep my mouth shut and to pay attention and keep the gates of disconnection - my lips - closed.
I started a Vulnerability Loop, which was the spark that created a small fire of trust. But to get the fire really going, you need to add more skills to the mix.
More to come.
Principles to Remember:
- Extreme Ownership - admit your mistakes, take ownership, and fix them. Find and own your blindspot (yes you have one too!).
- Keep your mouth shut with muscular patience until it becomes second nature to actually listen to another person. This is the very first step in learning how to connect and really see another person.
- Vulnerability Loop - the spark that ignites trust is being vulnerable first. Trust comes after vulnerability. This feeds into the Extreme Ownership principle because when you take responsibility, this is a form of vulnerability that leads people to trust you.
- Like all things in life, the Fix Everything Habit is good until it's not. Wisdom is the ability to discern the right time to deploy the habit, or to keep your mouth shut and listen.
Feedback with a thumbs up or down is greatly appreciated, or drop an email at michael@michaelmaddaus.com.
